Bipolar II Girl

Hi everyone. Recently I have been diagnosed as having Bipolar Depression. Type II. The doctor said. At first I was relieved because all the changes in my behavior and mood for the past 5 years has an explanation. I am living my life in bipolar depression.
I could not tell you guys the turning point of my behavior. The time and what happened. I could only tell you that that moment changed my life completely.
I was a bright student since primary school. I passed every exams in flying colors. I was good to everyone. I was always thinking that no matter how bad somebody seems on the outside, there must be something good about them. I would gladly help every one who needs my help. I would give my best to help them.
But since that particular period, I changed. I started having depression. But I kept quiet about it. For me, it was not necessary to tell any one about my depression. I thought they would deem me as a spoiled girl. I wasn’t close to any one in my family. Not one. There was no one in my family whom I could consult to about my depression without them criticizing me as being stupid and spoiled. So I kept quiet about it. Even my best friends didn’t know.
I became wary of how people view me. I feel like every one is monitoring my every move. I also spend my money recklessly.
Sometimes I am very confident. I feel like I could achieve, accomplish anything. I have lots of ideas. The ideas would overflow. I would think of one situation, my mind would race with the possible reactions, emotions and the sequence of that situation. I would then feel the emotions.
Sometimes my confidence is gone. I would be drowned in all the sad happenings in my life. The things that happened in the past. My mind became chaotic. There is a part of me that say “it is all in the past. You should let go”. Then another part of me says, “You are worthless. Why would you do that? Can’t you think? You must be the most stupid person on earth. You are stupid. Crazy. Spoiled. You would only trouble people around you”.
Sometimes I would get irritated easily by everyone. I feel like every one is pretending. They are not themselves. They are behaving in certain ways because they want to impress others. They are snobs. Fake.
Then I would be depressed again. I hate it when I became irritable. I hate it when I became a bitch. I would cry because of those thoughts. “How could I think like that?” Worse, if I speak my thoughts out loud to that person, I would then cry and cry and cry until my head hurts. “I hate myself. I don’t believe in me anymore.”
I always have the urge to pack all my stuff and disappear from every one who knows me. So that they wouldn’t be troubled by my moodswing and my words. I feel sorry for them.
These happened before I consulted a psychiatrist. She prescribed me with a medicine. Thank God. Few weeks after taking the medicine, I found my normal self. Not every day but about two or three days in a week. I am thankful for the people who care about me. I am grateful for their help and support. Their positive advices. They are my therapists. Thanks to them, I have the strength to fight this sickness.
Though I still regret all the actions I made before I am medicated.
The reason why I wrote this is because I want you to understand the struggle of a bipolar in his or her every day life.
I know some of you would ridicule me. Saying that I am being like a spoiled child or I am craving for attention. Some of you would say that I need to believe in God, I need to trust Him. Yes, I do. I believe in Him.
Some of you would think that I am being stupid. I could not think clearly. Yes. You are right. Being a mentally sick person, I could not think clearly. No matter how many prayers I did, how many positive sentences or articles I read, it takes a lot of my energy to get out of the moodswing that I am in. Sometimes I fail.
Please pray for me. I hope that I could live in harmony with this sickness. Cause I know so far there is no cure for it.
I wish you a happy life. Each one of you who reads my confession.

– Iras

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