A Message

Depression is real. It is a sickness, a mental illness, a feeling which is cannot be make fun of.

I have been struggling this kind of feeling since i went back from her home, raya ke-5 until now. Being shocked by knowing your love of 10years has been engaged, with your own friend. How can i handle this feeling, alone?

Im dying, inside. I have been losing around 8kg for the first week of my depression. Im having per rectal bleeding since then, even until now. I cried everytime i taking a dump, shaking and praying to God. Funny, isnt it?
SIGECAPS, i already fulfill all except for suicidal thought.
When i looked at the clock ticking, without i know, i’ve been staring at it for about 2 hours! Im loss. Im depressed. Im dying, inside.

Yet people dont know, how i’ve been struggling. There was one time, when i felt cold, trembling, my hands feel numb and tingling. My lips were shaking. I covered myself in a blanket praying to God.
For about 15minutes im in that kind of state. I couldn’t bear it, i called my love one, crying, because im feeling i might die, alone, in that room. But? Nevermind. Ps: i had 2 episodes of that during my depression.

But little she knows, what i have been experienced. Soon after that, i started to feel hungry and i ate the cookies given by my mother. It was my savior. I back to ‘normal’ within minutes.
I felt im in manic state. I couldn’t cry even though i talked to her about the usual stuffs that cause me to cry before. I felt something was not right but yet i unable to feel any emotion at that time. I tried to think about psychiatric symptoms that i’ve learnt. Yes, something was not right. But i let it go, let time be my medication to treat those things.

During early of my problem even until now, i have been seeking for an answer. An answer alone is enough to keep me feels alive, at peace. But i still dont have it. Im suffering from this feeling of unsure, of doubt but still i will have faith until the revelation of that answer.
My heart broke into pieces when i know that my love one, started to have this ‘sayang’ towards that man, my friend. How do i deal with this kind of feeling, for how long should i bear it? But she dont know, i will still loving her, for the rest of my life.

My depression is serious. I post something in Facebook, hoping i can let my sadness out. People may make fun of me, she can laugh at me, she can giggles at me when she saw me crying infront of her.
Because i placed myself at the very bottom, i throw my pride my ego to convey my feeling.
I dont care what others might say, because they dont know what kind of hellish i have been living till now. She may play with my feeling, she can laugh all she want to my crisis. I dont blame her, because i know, this is what I deserved.

If this thread gonna be read by someone, tell everyone, that depression is real. It is not a joke. It is a matter of time, before he/she develop the last symptom : SUICIDAL THOUGHT.

Ignore my bad grammar. But dont ignore my message.

**its been almost a year i wrote all this stuff in my notepad. And now i am. Guess what, thinking of dying, it wont leave me alone . But thanks to my ‘cowardness’, i did’nt attempt all stuff that i wish i could do it on my own.

Funny isnt it, those people who has depression.

– -Hujan-

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