Harassment and Depression

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera. Nama diberi, Riana, awal 20an dan masih belajar di ipta di selatan tanah air.

Saya kurang pandai membuat ayat, jadi saya straight to the point. Semasa saya di tahun pertama degree, saya pernah hampir dicabul kehormatan oleh senior saya sendiri. Biasanya bila musim final exam, saya memang suka melepak di Bilik 24 jam di library universiti saya sebab line internet kuat, memudahkan saya untuk mencari tutorial online untuk memahami subjek tersebut. Masa tu dah agak lewat, hampir pukul 1, jadi saya decide nak balik ke asrama (asrama, fakulti dan library di dalam main campus, jadi tiada time limit untuk balik ke asrama). Saya memang dah biasa balik seorang diri masa2 tu sebab kawan kawan duduk asrama lain.

Kebetulan terjumpa dengan senior saya ni. He offered to walked me back. So saya dengan naifnya membenarkan sebab dah agak jauh malam. Then, you know what happened. He have done to me everything, except for ‘that’. I am lucky that I managed to escape the hell.

Selepas kejadian tu, saya makin suka menyendiri. Makin jarang bercakap dengan orang lain especially lelaki. To be honest, I can still live like usual, like nothing happened. Until one day he (my senior) whatsapp me, asking me to forgive him. Right after I got that message, I broke down. I cried like there’s no tomorrow. Nobody know about that. Not even my roommate because I’m being myself. Not even my parents know because I’m afraid being accused for allowing him to do that to me.

Saya menyibukkan diri dengan menyertai pelbagai program untuk melupakan peristiwa itu. And, it worked for me.

3 tahun kemudian, saya berjaya. Tetapi saya gagal setelah terpaksa menyewa bilik berseorangan kerana extend 1 semester untuk buat FYP kerana gagal. Di sini mulanya masalah besar saya. Bila saya berseorangan, fikiran saya makin bercelaru. Makin teringat-ingat. Macam-macam datang dalam fikiran saya. Anxiety attack. What if he found me? What if he know I’m alone without my best friend?

“I’m worthless”
“You should’ve died instead of being raped”

I have kept it long enough and finally I told one of my online friend (because i dont want anyone to know about this). She told me to seek for counselor since I’m showing depression symptoms in her opinion.

I havent meet any counselor yet. I dont want people to know. I dont want to describe that day by my own mouth. Dear readers, what should I do?

– Riana

Hantar confession anda di sini -> www.iiumc.com/submit